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One of my readers, Jerry Lovelace, sent me the following hilarious statements made by witnesses in actual court proceedings. These are supposedly actual statements made! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did! Thanks, Jerry, for submitting these!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:    I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:    Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:    None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:    Are you ******* me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:    By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:    Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:    No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:    All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:    Oral.
____________________________________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:    No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________ ___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORN EY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Posted in Humor

11 responses to “Court Humor”

benjamin_rush

September 15, 2008

EPIC! Funniest thing I have read in a long time.

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Kathy Carr

September 15, 2008

Thanks Chris! I needed that. It made me laugh out loud.
Kathy Carr

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matt franks

September 15, 2008

Chris,
That is definitely a story to file in the archives!! VERY FUNNY!
I received this story about 3 weeks ago and I immediately thought of you because of the Carp fishing expeditions you have spoken about. Not sure if you have seen this or not, but it is pretty funny!
It is titled: The Farmer – The Warden – and the Dynamite Joke
“Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon.
After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said “If you don’t show me your fishing spot , I’m going to have to close you down.” The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle.
About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden’s jaw is on the deck. He can’t talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can’t believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk. ”
I thought this was a perfect depiction of how Leadership attacks the status quo:) I look forward to seeing you again soon! I sure have appreciated all of the CD’s you have done over the past few months! Impactful teaching as usual!
God Bless,
Matt

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Chris Brady

September 15, 2008

Matt:
Thanks for posting that funny story! It is one of my favorites, in fact, I did a talk on it a while back to make the point of commitment. Thanks for sharing!
Chris

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Lisa Costa

September 15, 2008

Too Funny! I’ve seen some of this before but some of it is new and all very fun. Three children, no boys, how many girls?? He was not dead, he was sitting up wondering why I was going an autopsy on him! What a great way to start a Monday!

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jonathan kurz

September 15, 2008

as usual, you offer just what is needed, at just the right time. learning leadership means that we must understand people enough to be ableto do this and you once again demonstrate how great a leader you are. thanks for being there and being part of TEAM leadership

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Phyllis Hoff

September 15, 2008

Chris:
Too funny.
I especially like the last one.
Great humor.

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Bobbi Biggs

September 17, 2008

LOL!!!!!! I laughed so hard I was in tears and my sides hurt!!! I have such an imagination–I visualize what is being said… and being a nurse, I loved the autopsy ones!
I really needed a good laugh! Thanks, Chris…
Love in Christ, Bobbi Biggs
Prov. 3:5-6

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John Burns

February 2, 2015

I thought it was weird that I have no attorneys on my business team…

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Ross

January 29, 2016

Thanks Chris!! Needed to lighten the mood up a bit>

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Ross

January 29, 2016

Thanks Chris! Needed a little humor to brighten up the day!

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