Air travel is still one of the most effective ways to waste one's time when you are trying to get somewhere efficiently.
The first thing that is required is to save a lot of time by shopping for airline tickets on the Internet. By the time you do your airfare searches, type in all the details, select your seats, find out that the tickets are no longer available, then start the process over, only to find that the search website has timed out because you took too long to make your choice, then start the process all over again, confirm your purchase, and print your itinerary, having ample time between each of these activities to watch your computer's hourglass spinning away for long stretches at a time, you have used up exactly four times as much time as it used to take to call a travel agent.
The next thing is the drive to the airport. Just be sure and leave a day or two in advance of your flight. This is because of traffic due to incessant road construction and the fact that police like to set up speed traps in and around airports because they know that most people are in a rush because they didn't leave the day before and now are about to miss their flight.
Next comes parking. There are several ways to do this. First, you can park in one of those economy lots conveniently located in a neighboring state. After standing around for an hour or so, they will pick you up in a luxurious broken-down van stuffed with other travelers who are impatient and in a hurry because they didn't leave for the airport the day before like they should have. They will stare at you and barely make room for you as they look at you with their stern looks as if to say "hurry up, for crying out loud!" Somehow, the efficienty of these economy parking lot shuttles is computer controlled to make sure you are the last passenger to be dropped off. Another parking option is "long term" parking. This means that the lot is more expensive than the economy lot, and is much closer to the airport, by say, at least fifty feet. "Short Term" parking means you will only be able to afford it for a few minutes. Trying to actually leave you car in this lot for more than a few minutes might cost you a first-born child. Conveniently, though, this lot is located only about a few thousand yards away from the airport.
Now you get to check in your luggage. You can either go inside and wait in a line as long as the Mason-Dixon line, or you can use the convenient sky caps at the curbside, where all you have to do is wait in a line as long as the Mason-Dixon line. You will then get to use the fast and convenient touch screens which accomplish the amazing feat of making it unnecessary for you to deal with a ticket agent any more. You see, in the olden days of airline travel, you would approach the counter, hand them your ticket, then your luggage, and they would check you in. In our modern world full of technological conveniences, now the process simply involves you using the touch screen, selecting all the relevant information, printing out your boarding pass, and then handing it to a ticket agent who then takes your luggage and checks you in. It's so much better the new way.
Next comes security. This is where even men wish they had left their wire bras at home. Belts, jackets, coins, jewelry, knives, guns, and garden equipment must all pass through a little conveyor-belt driven MRI machine. While your carry-on baggage is thouroughly checked for dangerous, life-threatening items such as hair gel and tweasers, you get to walk through a small archway and hand your boarding pass to the third person to see it so far. It is at this point that the security official (and there is apparently a federal law that there must be as many security officials working the area as there are people in line) will randomly determine if you should get "wanded" or not. Unless you are a small child or an old lady, the most common type of terrorists, apparently, you probably won't have to worry about this one. At the other side of security are large areas where people are getting themselves dressed again, and, of course, hurrying because they are late because they didn't leave for the airport the day before.
Now you get to find your gate and wait. For your comfort, most airports have installed as many as four chairs for all the passengers on your flight to sit in, and some of the finest airports have televisions blaring negative news on full blast.
Finally, the gate agent will use the P.A. (which stands for "probably awful") system, which will be extremely loud and annoying for every flight except yours, and when it involves your own gate, you will barely be able to hear it. You will be called to board the airplane where, you guessed it, you get to show your mighty boarding pass again!
Once aboard the airplane, you will find that you have to wedge yourself in next to the biggest human being you have ever seen. This person will always be seated next to you. It's just kind of a rule. Also, the person with the worst hygiene will also be seated very nearby. Carry-on baggage will also be a challenge, as four hundred people will have already filled the overhead bins before you got there. Apparently they came to the airport the day before and accomplished this task. The flight attendant will then look at you disapprovingly as if to say, "You idiot! What did you bring that thing on board for?"
Finally, if all goes well and there are no delays, lineups at the runway, or inclement weather, your flight will take off smoothly, delivering you to your destination in the world's most advanced, efficient fashion. You will arrive almost exactly at the same time you would have had you driven. Well, mostly. Sometimes driving is faster.
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