I would like to propose a new boycott, directed at some of the most fiendish foes ever encountered: those irascible packaging engineers who insist on ensnaring toys with wires, tapes, blister packs, and (sometimes even) screws! Just what necessitates the complex, skin-slicing myriad of contraptions that hold toys in their packages with such ferocity? Are toy theives in the likeness of Edward Scissorhands, brigands who can slice toys from conventional packages and swipe them from stores before anyone is any the wiser? Is toy theft really such a national crisis to warrant hundreds of parental hours of extraction before an awaiting toddler can get the satisfaction of even touching his or her new gift? It must be that toy theft was once such an epidemic, because there is more engineering involved in the packaging of a simple toy car than can be found in many real cars! Wires are wound through every wheel well of toy cars, every orifice of dolls, and every arm and foot of action figures, then fed through a labrynth of cardboard, wound back upon itself, then taped to more cardboard! Then, after unwinding and cutting and pulling and tearing, the toy is about to break loose into playland freedom, but no! One last wire holds firm, ripping the toy and causing damage just at the point of the miscarried extraction! Scissors are weilded against this final wire without mercy, often causing more damage to the toy.
So let's boycott any and all toy makers who insist on wrapping their toys in such paranoid fashion. Let's teach them a lesson and put them out of work so they will head over to the auto industry and give them some bailout help, saving the automotive industry leaders the disgrace of having to grovel before self-important U.S. senators who couldn't even spell the term 'business plan' if they had it written in crayon on their bibs. We could consider it our patriotic duty, for crying out loud!
What do I propose that we get as gifts in the meantime? Good question. And thankfully, an answer is at hand. It seems that there was once a lobby of boycotters who also got sick of packaging engineers and their mutated creations. These boycotters focused their rage on the packaging of the CD and DVD industry. How many of us haven't ended up with small sticky pieces of plastic under our fingernails after mangling the cover of a DVD? Or broken the plastic hinge on a CD by pulling and prying on the ridiculously tight shrink-wrapped plastic? Yessir, it's no stretch at all to see why millions of music customers decided to boycott such products and head straight for digital downloads! That showed them! (From what I can figure, it sent thousands of packaging engineers into the toy industry). So I propose we take a page out the playbook of the customers of the music industry. I propose that we boycott the packaging-heavy toy industry by insisting on buying only toys that can be digitally downloaded!
And if the toy industry doesn't have the technology yet, they can just head to Capitol Hill themselves, take a number, and ask for a loan.
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