Scan any book store and you'll find millions of books on how to make more money, thousands about how to be more spiritual, hundreds about how to be a better wife and mother, and maybe five or six on how to be a better husband and father. Rarest of all, however, and relegated to the skinny shelf-space reserved for titles such as "Honesty Among Politicians" and "Government Thrift," you may occasionally find one or two books on friendship.
Friendship.
It's a word familiar to us all. Just hearing it evokes an immediate understanding of what is meant by the term. No definitions are required. We understand, got it, get it, and own it.
Or do we?
In my life I have been blessed by many friends. But more and more as I age I have come to discover that a true friend is one of life's rarest finds. What passes for friendship among most is no more than familiarity through some shared experience, membership, or proximity. I have experienced (as I am sure has every reader) people who claimed to be or acted like friends who behaved in the most un-freind-like manners. I won't elaborate. Rather, I'd like to focus upon what should be obvious aspects of friendship in an attempt to shine light into this strangely obscure genre.
First of all, friendship is an unofficial, mutually beneficial relationship involving at least two parties. Friendships generally start spontaneously or casually and blossom into more as bonds are built and commonalities are discovered. But everything can't be in common: some of the best friendships grow out of complementary trait alignments.
Second, friendship requires giving and taking on both sides. As long as the exchange maintains some sort of balance, the relationship can continue. Anything too one sided is no longer friendship. There must be flexibility and tolerance, forgiveness and grace extended in both directions.
Third, friendship should be fun. After all, we can always get around people who's company we don't enjoy (insert any number of in-law or family reunion jokes here).
Fourth, friendship should be relatively easy. It's not that a good friendship won't require some maintenance and uncomfortable moments at times (which can actually serve to tighten bonds of trust and respect), but for the most part, friendships should be a comfortable load in an otherwise strenuous world. We have enough people in our lives with whom we are forced to maintain some sort of relationship; we don't need our friendships to be sources of strain.
Fifth, and perhaps most importantly, friendships can only exist on a foundation of trust. Many casual relationships carry most of the features above, but when it comes right down to it, the parties can't actually and fully trust each other. Not so for true friendships. In true friendships, trust is a must.
Let's review, then, these obvious traits: mutually beneficial, balanced, common, complementary, flexible, tolerant, forgiving, grace-filled, fun, easy, comfortable, and trusting.
Now, if you'd like to get a clearer picture of the friendships in your life, simply write down the five people who you consider to be your "best friends." Think carefully about this. Make sure they satisfy all of the above attributes.
Were you able to come up with five who totally satisfied the list? Many people can't. When we really stop to consider the features of friendship, a concept we often take for granted, we begin to realize just how rare a true friend actually is.
Look at the list of attributes again. Now ask yourself how well you satisfy them for someone else. Who do you think would put you on their list of five?
Want to have better friends? Be a better friend. How? By examining the above list of features and remembering to be those things for another person.
Anonymous Friendship Quotes:
"A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway."
"The best mirror in the world is a true friend."
"True friends are difficult to find, hard to leave, and impossible to forget."
"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even when you're half cracked."
"A friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body."
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