"Hurray for our side!" they yell with screeched voices. "Think like us or be wrong," they imply with barely veiled anger. Signs are stuck in front yards, bumper stickers adorn cars, and "neutral" commentators and newspapers are making their "neutral" statements that seem to support one side way more than the other.
What is the cause of all this? Ah, yes, my friend, it's election time again in the good ol' US of A.
So what is a normal, emotionally stable, average everyday person supposed to do in the middle of this firestorm? As far as I can tell there are several options.
1. go on a television talk show and use your best interrupting skills. Smirk and shake your head, and just as your host is about to make a point, raise your voice and act all offended.
2. figure out how to cheat. Get involved in a campaign to register dead, drunk, or mentally disabled voters and volunteer to drive herds of 'em down to the voting booths come Tuesday.
3. pepper the polls with false results so your side can proclaim an early victory and dishearten the other side from even showing up
4. help raise money from famous people so your side can make annoying infomercials that last forever and show all the time
5. find special interest groups to make promises to and thereby broker for blocks of votes.
6. fan the flames of hate, envy, or greed, being sure to divide people into "groups" and make them feel like victims. This can be done in many different categories, such as race, sexual orientation, class, income level, decendancy, gender, and many other fine distinctions that can be found to divide people.
7. do your best to make the election about a choice between personalities, being sure to steer the discussions far away from those dangerous things like "the actual issues" and "realistic plans and strategies."
8. get involved in name calling and character assassination. This again is much safer and easier than having an actual intelligent position on any issues.
9. Use broad words such as "hope" and "change" and "vision"
10. make sure that people do not vote their Bibles or their beliefs. Keep them embroiled in partisan politics, voting the way "they are supposed to."
And while these may be the actual activities of some, thank GOD that most of you out there will simply do the most massive thing on Tuesday, and that is . . .
VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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